"LOVE" in my life

A friend inspired me to write about LOVE in my life.. (by LOVE I only mean loving someone from the opposite sex.. I'm not talking about loving my parents, loving my nephew, etc.. and before you come to any conclusions, let me also tell you that I'm straight..) So it all started with me first wanting to tell my story to her.. I wanted to write a small write-up, which as per my habit became pretty long.. Apparently yesterday, August 11th, was Romance Day so today she asked me blog this story because it represents such an ironic view about love... (can't understand if that's a compliment or just a remark..) neway here goes, my story, forever to get lost in the huge WWW (world wide web) of information..

I have almost always grown up with friends.. and today when I look back, I see I have a lot of friends, really good friends.. and they include quite a few girls as well, even though i behaved like an ascetic, until only recently... and I am not related to any of these girls, except three of them, through the word "LOVE", that's if it exists at all... these four girls have literally carved the way i feel about girls... they changed the way i look at infactuation, love and friendship...

lets call them I (i loved her), S (she loved me), F (its all a fake).. of the three, i only met F in person a couple of times.. with I and S, our relationship has been mainly through the net...

Soon after coming to IIT, i met I (i met her in person only the first time, after that it was always online)... it was not love at first sight, because i think you only make-believe yourselves to fall in love at first sight when the girl looks like an angel.. and I was nowhere near that.. she was just average, but definitely better-looking than me... however with time, as i started speaking to her more, i realised she was like the "kohinoor diamond among all girls" for me.. her life seemed like a mirror image of mine.. her thoughts matched mine, n i totally understood her, or so i thought.. i enjoyed my time with her... every moment I was with her I seemed to be happy.. so happy, that I didn't want to be away from her anymore.. I was putting off all my work to be with her.. i was wasting my life to be with her.. and i certainly couldn't imagine my life without her.. so one day i finally decided that i could not let things go this way anymore, and so told I that she was becoming very special to me.. she said its just a crush, but i told her it was much more than that.. she told me "we are just good friends and we can stay that way.. you will get over me.. I can help you with that".. at that instant I told her, "i will never get over you.. i will love you forever.. but yea, we can stay as just friends".. i really felt she thought the way she did, because of watching those stupid, romantic SRK movies, which make you believe that one fine morning a knight would come riding on a shiny metallic black Pulsar and then everyone lives happily ever after... but deep down i felt that maybe she was right... so i tried getting over her... how? i tried to start hating her... then i started hating all girls in general, as a principle... but i soon realised that still deeper down, i could never hate her... she really was the best and i would always feel the same about her...

i even justified my ideas thinking she felt the same towards me as i felt towards her... afterall, every moment i spent with her, she was spending it with me too... so were we just good friends? i don't want to believe so.. even though superficially we are just friends today, deep down i still feel the same towards her.. but is this LOVE? or is it just respect for someone i look up to so much? does the kind of love shown in romantic-SRK-movies really exist? its hard to tell...

While all this was going on, I found an old school mate of mine, S, thanks to Orkut... i told S everything about me and I, and she always used to hear me patiently... i always took her for granted, and it would probably have been impossible for me to handle my break-up with I if S wasn't with me... she was always there with me in my most dispirited times... but only recently did i put two and two together, and realised that S had a crush on me right from the start... she always wants to be with me, she looks up to me, she makes me feel important as if i were a king, and would do anything for me... though she hasn't revealed her feelings for me yet, i don't want to raise any false hopes in her... so i'm now slowly but consciously drifting away from her... why?? maybe because i'm still not over I, or maybe because she is not the life-partner i had envisaged... i wanted my wife to be beautiful, and so on... and S didn't even come close to matching the "qualifications"... this also puts me more or less in the same situation as my break up with I... only this time, i am being I and S is being me... we are "just friends" according to me, but much more than that for her... coming to think of it, is it better to marry someone who matches your "qualifications" or someone who would love you eternally... the latter is obvious correct choice, but its not the decision we always take, and so didn't I...

A little after my break up with I, I started feeling that maybe I was just being too orthodox about this whole issue of girls and love, probably because I had barely spoken to girls until college... and soon I came in contact with another old school mate, F... she had turned into this hot, sexy chick since the last time i had seen her and was studying in the hottest college in the whole city of Mumbai... every boy's DREAM GIRL... I realised she was my best chance to break out of my shell of shyness... my target was to become friends with her, friends in the modern way... u understand right, friends in the modern open way who have "fun" together... she was this completely i-wanna-party kinda girl... and seemed to flirt with you every time she spoke... it seemed exciting to be with her at first, but then maybe i'm just not open to modernisation... i soon got tired of her, so soon that i didnt even have any fun with her ;) ... i did go meet her twice, but got fed up of her spontaneous yet obvious lies after that... so i crawled back into my shell again but every now and then i would get the sudden burst of energy to turn the wheel of change again.. but everytime i called her up she would say she was out with a friend, and then i would hang up... she never even cared to call back, afterall she was having fun even without me...

will continue later sometime..