My Day, My High'ness

Experience began around 3am on Children's Day, Nov 14th. Below is the post I wrote from a different world,  unaltered. Sorry about the grammar, that was the best I could do then.
(Have added my comments, if any, in italics). And a couple of names have been removed.
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I am so high now, everything looks bigger now. I am saying things faster than I am to think.


I am being rude to people now?


My heart is beating so fast.


I'm feeling so HIGH. :)


I know how dumb should I be to want to write this blog post. But I just want to remember this night forever in MY own words. it feels so dumb to me myself.
...


SorrY A*, for acting so rude all this time, while u have been trying to make a conversation abt F1 all this time.


I will put this on FB tomorrow.


Take me back home please.
...


At this time, I feel like .however dumb ur defense might be, I wud say Yes to you. U can convince me easily at this time. Try this 'SHIT' on James Bond, he wud speak.


Am I home yet ?


What's going ON? It feels so funny, I want to write all this, just so I can read it later tomorrow to amuse myself and to share all of this with my friends so that they can make more fun of me and amuse themselves. Still I'm convinced this is the right thing to do.
...


Weren't we closer to Home ages ago?
...


Oh, don't drive so fast. R u Ob Boosters or what? NFS? Cheatcodes? Hahaha.


Just get me home and help me sleep. But I promise (to myself) I shall share all this with all my close friends). a great start to an evening which ended badly, but just to end the day on a 'HIGH'.
...


help me sleep, someone. Help me. I need movement to stay normal. I can type faster than the screen can display. I feel like I am following myself with a camera like in those reality shows, something like in the movie - Crank. You know, as if you are looking at your childhood after going back in time.


Don't worry, I won't puke on you, don't give mw that look.


By the way, it also feels like you have just had bhang. Sh*, you were right, this IS good SHIT. But it feels like its the best thing I have done. likeMote (like more) proud that I didn't do anything, than I DID 'something'.
...


Help me get to tomorrow morning soon, help me, this IS getting me crazy. Like shown in those cartoon films - black wave is trying to gulp a little white caricature of a man. Well, something like that. (wow, that sounds so Phoebe.)


(my friend was watching TV in the Hall) thanks for playing that music, it actually me distract my mind. 'jaane tu ya jaane na'? - she REALLY never knew... Ah, PJ (am I becoming a Chandler now?)


My hands shaking so much I can't even hold the phone properly. Thank you Nokia's predictive text, Cudnt have down it without You. FUCK the iPhone, go get a Nokia. Tagline - I'm Tiger Woods.
...


Why am I only imagine Lisa and Bhare laughing at this post madly by this time, and wanting to share it with all their friends. (to myself: I'm so trying to go backwards n correct my grammar errors, but i want to see it clean n tidy tomorrow, unedited, not even by myself. I think I've left numerous great one-liners above. Oh! N I also was being a Monica earlier. N now, this is Phoebe.

Now, I also see Makhija laughing his Ass off at all this SHIT of a post.

...

Damn! News? Seriously? Why? (he was now watching News on TV)
...


Whom am I amusing by writing all this post? Is it really as funny as it sounds to me right now? What if I don't like it myself tomorrow? (wow, I feel so Shakespeare'an now. Gotcha with the spelling, thank you Nokia).


(lisa stop laughing.)
...


But I don't really think you would have gotten here still understanding the whole joke. this is one of those mazes even that character (of Mahabharata) can (can't) get out of.


Now its 3.45. Will I just stay awake till noon.? somewhere long time back it was 3.20 when I finally got home.


Old Hindi songs now (on TV)? No! An Ad of those. That's even worse (in Joey's tone typical).


Lisa, if you are any bit of a Friend, you should seriously scold me never to do this SHIT again.


How do I sleep? Water doesn't help either.


Old majestic songs (on TV again), huh? No! Its the start of another News. Shut it, shut it. Oh, he did! (you know,w its getting so hard to keep up in typing with my thoughts. I'm like typing 5min after I said it. I'm like imagining stuff 5min into the future. This is time travel. (Note: this was a compulsive joke.)


okay, all of us just missed something, even me. It wud have been like hottest thing on Youtube, if video taped. I thought of a joke and I tried to type it, but was so stuck on the first line... Or first para... That I actually forgot the joke.
...


I should name this 'Memoirs of a * * man' ... Never before seen version, unless you have experienced it.


'Must read, unless you have experienced it.' ... New York Times.


Bestseller.
...


They should tape me at this instant, and use me to publicize this SHIT, n also to show to little kids in school, what they should never do. (never in CAPS).
...


you know, I feel every line in this post is a 'master piece'... A work of art. (in the tone of that Spanish/Italian/French guy showing off grandeurity.


But hell, it still can't express my feelings as I'm feeling them. To hell with words. I wish I could video tape myself, n show my own self how I was a few hrs before that terrible headache (after waking up) happened. (ah, I feel so good, my jokes have become more on the good side of PJs.


More water.
...


U know I read a couple of paras above this, n it felt so dumb, not as funny as I was thinking. Sounded like made up fun to me.


I am dumb n a slow retard (what's that?). Bah! I'm bored now.


I can't even sleep. I roll over, n it feels like having had a lot of that petrol-colored liquid to u. A little is enough with me though.


Damn, those \§&, spoilt a great evening. (I meant those %$^#$ who spoiled a great evening)
...


Just realised, I feel as if I'm transforming now, literally, physically. My skin feels like its peeling out of my skin, now its better. blood circulation? I think.


I ought to send this post to some psychiatrist to psycho-analyse me.


Damn, they didn't have to leave like that. (they is them %$^#$ again)
...


Imaging back in time, I think (n feel) like I have been writing some awesome (in italics) post like some RGV film, that builds up the suspense greatly... Except that I can't remember where I started... Same like RGV.
...


oh, my mouth was dry, I was getting thirsty, so I felt like my skin peeling.


Oh people. never do such SHIT ever, else this is what you become.


9 hrs later...


Everything still feels so different. People are crossing the road too fast.my bike has no brakes, have to get that fixed.


Its so strange, everything feels so new. This is the road I take everyday to go home, but today it feels wider and better. (The GHMC guys should give everyone this SHIT, then no one will ever complain.)
(I didn't even have that headache I forebode)


I still remember that they spoilt what was supposed to be a great evening. But hell, today seems a new day.


My bike has no brakes, damn. Let me reach home soon, n I'm not getting on my bike again today.


13 hrs later... (back on bike already)


I want chocolate, loads of chocolate. ate a lot of sugar, n Dark Chocolate powder.


And you know what I would name this post, My day, My High'ness. :)

Life 5.0

Some days in your life are very important - some for good reasons and some for not so good reasons. For me, today, March 1st, 2010 was one such day.

If you had something good, you would say it was beautiful. If it was something bad, you would say it was an experience. A "Beautiful Experience" ended for me today. A loss, a few drops of tears, a 'small' peg of Rum helped me deal with what I was being forced into. Something I should have done much earlier maybe(?) but didn't - because I didn't have the courage to do it, the strength to face the consequences, neither did I have the ability to be practical. More importantly, I had slipped into a comfort zone and I didn't (want to?) make myself get out of it. I should frankly rate myself as a failure there. There were many opportunities, and the need too, before, but I never made them work.

Now I have to get my life on track - I procrastinated for too long. It's high-time now for a BIG change, the fifth phase in my life - Life 5.0.

P.S. I begin by acting on one of the actions I was sitting on from long - this will be the last post on my personal life. This blog is about A Beautiful Mind, not Beautiful Life or Beautiful Experiences. I started this blog for a specific reason, the digression from which is regretted. That said, my life is still an open book for all my friends to read. Am always available with the green bulb on GTalk, or on GMail. Wish me luck.

Dreams...

Found this post today in the drafts. I began it on 7/19/09 at 12:50 AM

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Writing this post was my dream.. so here goes

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God only knows what that 'dream' was :P Actually I remember too but not clearly enough to finish the post.

Talking of dreams, these days I'm getting weird dreams... some of them I can recollect I got a few years back - very similar ones (the same abandoned house, a huge empty slum, a small house with a single yellow flower in the garden and the same family living in it - only the couple living in the house were divorced this time). And its not like déjà vu either.

In some other dreams, its people I know personally, but their family, house, everything is different from real life. Like the family living in the house with the yellow flower - they are our family friends... neither do they live in that house, nor are they divorced. Another time, I dreamt that a close friend of mine belonged to a Factionist family with which I had some rivalry. But in reality, her's is a family of passionate but non-violent people.

I have bought the book "Interpretation of Dreams" by Sigmund Freud. Hopefully, he can throw some light. Atleast an "It's irrelevant" would be good enough.

Life Sucks

Yes, life sucks... I mean, MY life sucks.

I can't tell you how bad I'm feeling right now. Words evade me, more than they ever have. I have reached my personal limit and seem close to breaking any moment.

And this isn't because of the Bike Repair costs or the Hospital bill or anything financial at all. Nor is it about my right leg, that's become more a liability than an asset and shall remain so for the next 6 weeks.

It is because of all of the above put in the light of Past and Future (as I see it). You could say, Past, Present and Future together are screwing me. It's like the God of 4th Dimension - Time (I don't think we Indians have one, do the Greeks?) is fucking me left, right and center (to put in Indian Slang).

My bad luck has literally been following me like the ghost in The Shutter since beginning of December. I accept, I have a poor memory... but all I can still remember and only think of is how life should have been SO DIFFERENT. I had less than 48hrs of clear, happy time before I took the fall again, this time literally as well. And I can see what's in store for me in the Future till as ahead as March and all I see is 'More bad things await me'. Not bad things as bad things, but things that would make me sad. I'm sick and tired of these things. I HATE MY LIFE.

They say 'There is light at the end of the tunnel'. But my life is like driving in the tunnel on a moonless night with no headlamps. Only more darkness awaits me. And I can't wait for light (read sense, reasoning and/or practicality) to dawn, it's getting unbearably frustrating.

Hopefully tomorrow would mark an end to all this.

"Fracture" Diaries - Entry 1

Created on my bed from my mobile Jan 3rd, 11.30 pm

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I'm crying now... Not because my leg is hurting but with the thought that how could I have been so irresponsible, so casual and take-it-for-granted about everything. And that I also risked the life of a close friend.

About 7 hrs before, shivering as if I was standing naked in Antarctica, I looked on as my friends tried to lift my bike lying some 8-9 ft below road level. We both had just been pulled up from where we were lying - about 6-7 ft below the road level. Just 30 sec earlier we were happily chatting on the bike and the trip seemed a very memorable one. I was driving very slow, on the extreme left and had both my hands on the handle. Yet the trip became memorable, for regrettable actions on my part and we ended up visiting the local Mission Hospital (which obviously wasn't part of the plan).

I still remember those 10 sec when I felt close to death. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. But luckily, the other one wasn't hurt badly. Infact, as per my friend even I wasn't hurt much, "tu bach gaya bey, just 3 fractures" (you are saved, just 3 fractures).

Not willing to be operated in Vikarabad I told my dad everything and he came to pick me up. In the meantime lots of calls were made. Someone from my uncle's paper working in Vikarabad arrived within minutes. The best orthopadecians and contacts were listed and my brother-in-law's far-relative in Kamineni Hospirtal was finalized.

I'm now at home waiting (in pain) for tomorrow's appointment. Have taken two Paracetamol tablets - would doze off soon.

My Hand

The (Fractured) Leg

This is how I spent the entire night

Bringing up kids...

Bringing up kids... is no easy task. So I've heard countless times before from numerous parents. Some even took to beating their kids so not to 'spoil' them, and I call them, "Chumps". I've always held a view very different from them - beating kids hurts their ego and confidence and is not good for their overall development. Instead, as they say, "showering more love" should do the trick.

Yet in the last 1 week, I slapped Advaith twice and I don't like it myself. His actions on these two occasions were just silly and committed in a playful mood, with no intention to hurt anyone. Infact, I can't even say his actions could have hurt someone unintentionally. Tell me, how harmful, could throwing a book on the floor or kicking someone on their face with his little feet, be.

But when the repetitiveness of the same actions begins to stretch beyond the boundaries of play, a growing concern inside you calls for an immediate action on your part to make them stop it. And when your "No, don't do it"s go unheeded you are left at a loss. You obviously couldn't leave the kid in a room full of books asking him to throw them all down, like the dad who wanted to make his son quit smoking. You also couldn't throw down a book yourself, and pretend to, as the idiom goes, "bring the house down", 'coz that would be like encouraging them to do it literally, bring the house down. And kids, you should know, HAVE the patience and energy to do anything they set their hearts to. Never spark such desires in them.

So what is it that you could possibly do to make them see sense. What if your "Don't make me come and hit you" (final) warnings (while holding back a smile and faking anger in your tone) is replied in the Gandhian way, "Come, hit me." A reply like that made the English resign and leave, over 60 years ago. You see, the English didn't care (and didn't need to, anymore) what shit we could possibly get outselves into, but I do. So I'm left with not even that option.

I ended up being a Chump. Not once, but twice in a week. I'm sure what I did wasn't the best thing to do, and I'm not very sure if it was even the right thing to do. But I am just ignorant of any better option (read action). And what's worse is when, after I slapped him, he hugged me and holding back tears, asked, "Why did you hit me?". I told him, "because you threw the book down", but I know that's not the truth. The real answer was "because I was a Chump".

You tell me what other options did I have.

As BAD as it gets

12am on the morning of 17th or night of 16th, whichever way you like to look at it, I decided to switch-off the light and go to bed as I was hardly able to even hold P.G.Wodehouse's Stiff Upper Lips in my hands. But 4 hrs later, I was still awake... Unfortunately all the stupid thoughts decided to enter my head the instant the room went dark. Don't know when I finally fell asleep.

Had to wake up by 7.45am as I had a call to take at 8.30am (these days we are having two Conference Calls everyday - one at 8.30am and another at 6.30pm.) Lack of sleep, low on energy and long, possibly boring presentations on the Agenda for the day made me lose all hope of having a good day. Only positive note was I planned to leave from Office quickly to meet a good, old friend.

5 min after waking up, I'm already shouting at my dad (for something really silly, obviously). Crappy start for a day. Bad omen to start the day on. And if I had had my way, I would slept again and woke up at 11am to make a fresh start to the day. But that wasn't to happen. So I took the call from home, reached office by 9.30.. only to realise that I had no mood to work. I was already looking forward to the evening. ;)

Work can't be done without laptops... lappys are useless without Internet... and Internet isn't complete without without Facebook... So I open Facebook, and the first thing I see is that some of my friends are attending a play on Saturday. I had nothing to do on Saturday, so booked myself for the play. Within the next 15 min, a couple more friends had replied on the thread and a conversation took off which also turned sour in 10 min and I made a comment about my friend (the one whom I was supposed to meet in the evening). My day continued to be bad and I was just dragging myself within the office. What a boring day! Little did I know how eventful my day was to become towards the end.

11.50am: I get a 'hate' sms from my dear friend, "If you don't want to meet me, then say it directly". I hate such threatening messages, especially when sent unprovoked. (okay, I accept, did spark the fire).

Noon to 3.30pm: Sloooow, dragging presentations with the Client. I hated him so much. Why did he have to visit our Office. Couldn't he too have just been on one of the Conference Calls as the others.

With our egos the size of Zeppelin's in the sky, especially mine being larger than an Airbus A380, by 5.30pm, the debate with my friend had reached unstable heights. And I didn't leave Office as I had originally planned.

By 7pm discussion is now on GTalk while the topic remains the same (silly, yes, but important too) when I have to am required in the call. 7.30pm I'm back but she isn't there anymore.

I go back home, have a couple of fights with my Mom and finish my dinner. All the while, checking my phone to see if she had left any reply (Around 8pm I had asked her if it was still possible to meet and discuss). No reply yet. Told you, ego... it had bloated to the size of Titanic by now. And mine was competing with Mt. Everest already. So I sat down to write my WORST (or best?) Hate-mail ever written. It was so insulting (mostly untrue and completely silly) that even I didn't read it twice. After drafting (rather randomly typing) for more than an hour, I click SEND at11.30pm exactly the time she pings me on GTalk again.

Don't know how the conversation was meant to take-off, but once she received my mail, I could feel missiles hitting my face through the screen. It seemed as if I had pressed KILL ME instead of SEND. She literally blasted me. Misunderstanding was everywhere. She didn't get the point of the mail, nor the names I called her. She thought I called her a prostitute. I didn't. I meant something more like a slut (she isn't, but I had to call her something. It's a Hate-mail, remember?).

The conversation, rather the (1482 lines of) argument continued till 2.50am on the morning of 18th (that is about 2 hrs back). Conclusion? Same as every argument, I was right and so was she. But acting like grown-ups, staying calm and pretending to be in total control of our selves, we decided that we would never speak again. And we split up like this -

me: watever makes you happy

Her: My happiness is not in hurting the other one

so let's be

me: eh ?

2:49 AM Her: I don't want to make you feel bad as those last days again

me: ok..

thnx for saying that :)

have a good night then...

2:50 AM Her: have a good night

me: bye

Her: bye anil

I was tired (carrying that Everest-sized ego now hurt me) and laid down to sleep. As I looked back at the evening, the first thought that struck me was "WHAT THE FUCK !!!". And as I went through the mail and the conversation again, the same thought struck me over and over again until my head start aching. And by 3.30am my head became clear(er) and my ego had reduced to the size of an Amoeba. But the damage done was still the size of that largest crater (wherever it is, I think Australia. But that's not the point here.)

Immediately I messaged her on the phone praying that she hadn't slept yet. She hadn't. Obviously. Feeling foolish like me maybe. No, she still happened to be in the shoes of the grown-up. So after texting for another hour, and still sticking to our ends of the conclusion of the argument we parted ways the second time (again never to meet again, ofcourse).

I tried sleeping. Obviously I couldn't because I'm here writing this post now. Actually within 10 min after laying down my throat started hurting. Maybe this was why I was having a hard time swallowing the consequences of my actions. I just couldn't do sleep. I had to write about this.

And now its 5.50am. I feel back at IIT, except that I didn't have to wake up at 8.30am to take a call back then. I'm definitely not going to work after waking up.

I'm going to try that mind-effect, whatever it's called. You concentrate with your mind and whatever you want happens. Magic, but not quite. So I'm going to concentrate my mind on my throat just so much that my voice gets distorted, but I don't get a tumour.

Adios, baby!

F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

The title of this post is sure to make you think of "FRIENDS" - the TV Series. Wonderful Series, eh? Absolutely. Awesome characters and great humour. Brilliantly written, brilliantly executed. Every episode is a masterpiece. Lots of emotions that the characters go through, throughout the series, but they still manage to tickle your funny bone. So much so that, they make you wish.. wish that your life was the same. And if half the reason for that is the way the series has been scripted, the other half would be that it is about "Friends".

Afterall, who wouldn't want a bunch of great friends around them. I definitely would. It would be so exciting. I would have some great stories to share with my kids and their kids. But alas, my life never felt as special as in the series.

No wonder, when I look back at my life today, I don't really have some great episodes to share. I mean, if you have done some adventurous or uber-crazy stuff, you would have something to share. And my life has been "extraoridnarily ordinary". But I don't love Joey and Co. for doing anything adventurous. What, then, sets them apart? What makes them special? One answer is, they are such "characters" (if you understand what I mean) that they make very lovable characters on screen. And the other answer for it would be, their life has been documented.

TRUE. And that's the sad part I realised when I looked back at my life. My life already had most of the FRIENDS' characters. I had already met Joeys, Chandlers, Rosses, Phoebes, Rachels or my sweet-heart Monica. But why do I still wish that my life was as good as the TV Series. I have two reasons for this well.

First would be, we just live life, we don't LIVE life. Worth mentioning here would be Ezekiel's (in the movie, Sex Drive) comments about the Amish people, "Sometimes I just miss the world. You know, I miss sarcasm. It's mostly lost on my people. And gambling."

And second would be, my life hasn't been documented. Because if it was, I'm sure it would have been as good as FRIENDS. There have been good days and bad days, but everyday there has always been something to be happy about. While we enjoy that instant, we don't care to remember it. We meet some very interesting people in our lives who we grow very attached to, but soon wander and meet someone else. And thus, God's greatest gift to Man, is also his greatest curse - Imperfect memory. If only we had trained our mind to weed out the sad episodes much more quickly and keep the happy memories forever. But almost always, its the other way round.

Let me try recollecting the names of all my "best buddies". During my schooling in Delhi, my life could be spelled as BAVA (Balaji, Aakash, Vikash and Akshay) at school or as S (for Sveta) at home. They were people I hanged out with every single day. Back in Hyderabad, it would be JATAPS (Jiddu, Adi, Theju, Aravind "Warrior", Pallav and Sriram) for a couple of years and then probably, PJ-MAS2TheC (Parrot, Jiddu, Makhi, Adi, Sriram, Sharan, Theju, Choudhury). And those school-bus journeys with ASK (Arvind, Sai Kiran and Kalyan). They were the people I hanged out with most, outside of the school and we were all Badminton-Cricket buddies too. Intermediate definitely was my best time, cause I only had fun. There was very little that I did outside of it. And my best buddies then were (K)RAANKSS (Kinnera, Rajeev, Amit, Amar, Nikhil, Kishore, Santosh and Siddharth).

IIT was a special place. During those 4 years, everyone lived life like one big family. Difficult to even mention so many names here but some of the closest of the closest family members were: H2MC2KT (Harish, Harsha, Manu, Chandu, Chinny, Kailash, TP). If I wasn't in my room, which was generally the case, I was at one of their rooms. And there have been numerous times when I would stay 24 hrs straight in one of their rooms even though mine was just next door. And IIT life wouldn't have been worth it if it wasn't for TRANSC-TV (Tapasya, Raj, Akon, Nalgonda, Singla, Chinny, TP, Vamsy). Not to forget the online "chat" friends - SAM (Sonal, Aisha and Madhu).

While all these years are only blurred in my mind, I remember the last one year, very clearly. It was so wonderful, I have already written a post about it. First 6 months could only be spelled as MANGPART-V (Madan, Amita, Nikhil, Golu, Pigy, Athni, Rahul, Tassu, Vamsi) and the next 3 months as TRTP (Tassu, Rachna, Tajji, Pratibha). In all my life, I have never felt as lonely as I felt April to June when I changed my priorities and placed Work before Life. It didn't take long for my company to tell me it was a bad choice. And all this time, I can't remember of anyone whom I spoke to regularly except P (Pratibha).

So except for a couple of friends, I can't really say I'm in touch with anyone I met more than an year ago. And since July, I have been more in the Party mood. So, I have met a lot of new people but am yet to see how many would become my close friends.