Dreams...

Found this post today in the drafts. I began it on 7/19/09 at 12:50 AM

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Writing this post was my dream.. so here goes

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God only knows what that 'dream' was :P Actually I remember too but not clearly enough to finish the post.

Talking of dreams, these days I'm getting weird dreams... some of them I can recollect I got a few years back - very similar ones (the same abandoned house, a huge empty slum, a small house with a single yellow flower in the garden and the same family living in it - only the couple living in the house were divorced this time). And its not like déjà vu either.

In some other dreams, its people I know personally, but their family, house, everything is different from real life. Like the family living in the house with the yellow flower - they are our family friends... neither do they live in that house, nor are they divorced. Another time, I dreamt that a close friend of mine belonged to a Factionist family with which I had some rivalry. But in reality, her's is a family of passionate but non-violent people.

I have bought the book "Interpretation of Dreams" by Sigmund Freud. Hopefully, he can throw some light. Atleast an "It's irrelevant" would be good enough.

Life Sucks

Yes, life sucks... I mean, MY life sucks.

I can't tell you how bad I'm feeling right now. Words evade me, more than they ever have. I have reached my personal limit and seem close to breaking any moment.

And this isn't because of the Bike Repair costs or the Hospital bill or anything financial at all. Nor is it about my right leg, that's become more a liability than an asset and shall remain so for the next 6 weeks.

It is because of all of the above put in the light of Past and Future (as I see it). You could say, Past, Present and Future together are screwing me. It's like the God of 4th Dimension - Time (I don't think we Indians have one, do the Greeks?) is fucking me left, right and center (to put in Indian Slang).

My bad luck has literally been following me like the ghost in The Shutter since beginning of December. I accept, I have a poor memory... but all I can still remember and only think of is how life should have been SO DIFFERENT. I had less than 48hrs of clear, happy time before I took the fall again, this time literally as well. And I can see what's in store for me in the Future till as ahead as March and all I see is 'More bad things await me'. Not bad things as bad things, but things that would make me sad. I'm sick and tired of these things. I HATE MY LIFE.

They say 'There is light at the end of the tunnel'. But my life is like driving in the tunnel on a moonless night with no headlamps. Only more darkness awaits me. And I can't wait for light (read sense, reasoning and/or practicality) to dawn, it's getting unbearably frustrating.

Hopefully tomorrow would mark an end to all this.

Terrible News

Just got the news,

The repair costs for my bike - Rs. 19,800

FUCK! SHIT! Only now is the seriousness of the accident sinking into me.

Connecting the dots?

BEFORE

A bottle of Betadine that I saw in my friend's room. At that time, I didn't know what it was used for.

Impressions similar to the one above were made by my wet feet on the dry bathroom floor and somehow, something as silly and ordinary as that caught my attention. And I still remember how I kept staring at those impressions for a couple of seconds.

Just as I was about to leave home, my second nephew started crying. I went back to his room and patted him slowly on the chest for a couple of minutes till he stopped.After I left home, my sister needed some cotton and my dad could only, immediately, find a sterile pad which he gave her. She thought of saying, "Someone might need it. All I need is some cotton." But she didn't, instead just thought everyone will be fine and no one would need it.

AFTER

Once admitted to the hospital, the nurse said examining my bruised hand, "I will clean it with Betadine. It might hurt a little."

Looking at my bruised hand, I thought, "Last time I fell down I bought sterile pads which I didn't use 'coz they were much larger than required. This time they will fit correct."

A silly and ordinary impression like, I will not be able to make for the next 6 weeks (atleast).

There is a certain superstition that when a baby is born satisfying conditions blah, blah, blah... the uncle is supposed to see the reflection of the baby's face in oil first, then directly. My second nephew satisfied the conditions and I was duly made aware of the superstition by a relative. Obviously, I didn't care for it and neither did my brother (the next day). I met my fate, and 2 days later while coming to the hospital to see me, my brother met with a what-could-have-been-a-serious-accident but luckily escaped unscathed. Suddenly, everyone now feels it's safe not to ignore the superstition.

Looking back, do you think there was more to what caught my eye. Could this be a way of interpreting, what Steve Jobs said, 'Connecting the dots'. Or am I just being John Nash? Either way scares me.

"Fracture" Diaries - Entry 6 - What happens next?

To answer other doubts that you may have.

What happened to the bike? - It is not in a condition to be driven. Still in Vikarabad. My Uncle's contact would soon be shipping (or trolley-ing it) to Hyderabad soon.

When will I be back on the bike again? - My family members are undecided on the future course of action. Some say it should be sold off in Vikarabad itself, and others that it should be brought back to Hyderabad and sold off. So the answer to the question - probably never :(

(But don't worry, I won't lose the bike that easily. It will still take 3-4 months before I'm back on the bike though (that too 'coz the doctor instructed so.)

What am I doing in the "Extended Winter Vacation" (as my dad put it)? - Am still on medication. And the pain killer I'm given is more sort of a sleep-if-you-feel-pain-pill. So, am mostly drowsy (read dead-asleep). I also tried to tell Advaith a bed-time story :) (FYI, I don't remember how the story ended, probably 'coz I slept before I could finish it.)

The Emperor's New Clothes